2015 began and ended on two very exciting notes – moving into our new home in January and getting engaged the day before Christmas Eve. But in between I saw more needles and machines than I had ever hoped to see in my lifetime, and it marked the year that I, MM, was diagnosed with MM (Multiple Myeloma). Needless to say there is a sense of accomplishment having successfully made it through the year with no treatment yet. In a nutshell this past year was both the best and the worst year of my life.

As I try to mentally prepare myself for my monthly date with yet another beloved needle today I wonder about the year ahead. What will my numbers be like when I get the results tomorrow? Will they be stable every month? What are the chances that I can get through the whole year without having to start treatment? My fingers and toes are all crossed in the hopes that I’ll defy the odds yet again this year as spending a month in a hospital bed isn’t very conducive to planning a summer wedding, and more importantly, it freaks me the hell out. Ports, IVs, stem cell collection… ugh, I can’t even handle a needle in my arm for five seconds. And yes lovely nurse lady I am well aware that an IV is not a needle, but it’s still something hanging out of my arm.

For now I find myself feeling beyond lucky. From what I was told back in April, I should have already gone through all the scary treatments, but despite a scare a few months ago I’m not there yet. Most recently I was told there’s a possibility I could go on like this the rest of my life. While a part of me wants to throw myself a large pity party at the thought of a lifetime of monthly worry, doctors appointments, tests, and needles, I try to remind myself constantly of the alternative. It could be worse. Really, really, worse. Enter visions of hospital beds…

I had thought my first post would in fact be about 2015 – what it felt like to be handed such a hefty diagnosis or the importance of being your own advocate. I’ll get to those posts I promise, but for right now I’m putting 2015 behind me and focusing on the road ahead. Bring it on 2016, I’m ready for the next round.